Its raining, Its pouring

[Төгөлдөрмаа]

From the day you were born till the day you die....

Life has a beautiful way of hitting you with exactly the thing you need in life. I asked for forgiveness and I got forgiveness. God is the most merciful of them all.


You know, I don't want to lay in my death bed when I'm old and sick and think that I have lived an un-honorable life, that I have done and seeked nothing but sin and selfishness. I would like to lay in my bed that day when I die, I would like to think that I have lived an honorable and proud life in which I have helped others, in which I seeked knowledge, wisdom and patience and love. Then I would be happy.

Think about that everyday now. And I swear to you- I could move mountains. Because I'm aware I'm not immortal, I am going to die one day and when I do, I want to look back and be proud. That thought motivates me when I feel lost.

[Төгөлдөрмаа]

We all think about happiness ....

But no one knows what it is. It is comfort, stability, a certain certainty of life events, it's bliss, its achievement, its love, its being alive, its peace, its acceptance of one's flaws and mistakes, its family, its success, its fame, its power...... -everyone will give you a different answer - yet we all seek it. We all seek happiness, we talk about being happy, we say I just wanna be happy. BUT WHAT IS IT? What is this thing that we think we want? Is it money? Is it having whatever you want??

Or is it the lesson you learn at the end of that journey, that pursuit of happiness in which you spent a lifetime, only to realize it is the simplest things in life, it has been right next to you your entire life. But that pursuit, that climb, that ladder, that struggle is the key ingredient in experiencing happiness, it is the catalyst. We HAVE to struggle, we HAVE to suffer, cry, hate the world, hate yourself, feel defeated and consumed and eventually triumph, so beautifully, so strong, so proud and tell yourself "I did it". Is that happiness?






I think it is.

[Төгөлдөрмаа]

HE said to not expect anything and that, that was the path to happiness. No, that's a coward's path to happiness, actually that's not a path at all. That's just living like a coward because you are too weak to experience and endure disappointment. Because, somehow, you were disappointed once and you think that life was trying to teach you a lesson, you got the lesson all twisted. I quite am okay with disappointment, I understand it is a part of the human experience. I would rather be disappointed 7 times and have my expectations fulfilled on the 8th time, than to convince myself that I don't expect anything from life- that is a lie. You are just too afraid to be disappointed.

In the end, we regret the chances that we didn't take, fear gets in the way and we lose because we never even tried.


So you sir, is a big fat coward who is lying to himself and I will not take advice from you.

[baer]

whos that HE

[Төгөлдөрмаа]

whos that HE

special person

[baer]

Must be a lucky guy

[Төгөлдөрмаа]

Must be a lucky guy

he doesnt think so

[baer]

greedy lad

[Төгөлдөрмаа]

I'm glad I'm in the mood to write again. This place has been my little secret sanctuary, a blessing, a place where no one knows who I am and I can be completely honest with my mental and emotional state, my darkest secrets and my biggest demons.


I have been praying lately. It's a relief, it's a cleanse. I'm glad to have this light and influence, I'm thankful to have come across it. I'm very thankful. The religion says God finds those who he loves the most. Maybe he found me. It sounds silly I know. But to not believe .... that's a dark place.


When I pray, it's a time for reflection of my character, but most importantly, the quality of my character. I ask for forgiveness. The greatest one being forgiveness for not being a good enough daughter for my mom, being undeserving of all the things I have in my life. I let my mind wander, and my mind always goes to that place. My mom. I ask and pray for her protection. Oh my God, I have never wanted anything more badly in my life but that. I ask for God to keep her safe and in peace. I have never wanted anything more in my life. I feel it in my core, there isnt a deeper feeling I have experienced in my life. If something were to happen to her, I dont think I can live in this world anymore, it's not good enough for me. There is nothing for me in it anymore.

And secondly, I ask for forgiveness from everyone I have wronged.


At the end of that prayer, I realize that my mom is safe and she is healthy and happy and think to myself EVERYTHING I WANT IN THIS WORLD, I ALREADY HAVE because she is safe and healthy and alive. HOW LUCKY AM I?

And after that, my mind is clear and set, I feel relief, I feel cleansed.

[baer]

im thinking to go to church and confess for all my sins lately, cus i feel like i can barely breathe these days. its like constant pressure building upon whatever inside there is and it's destroying my soul, and seems like there is no end to it. worst and least i expect comes and finds me. should i just keep pushing? or i need to find imaginary friend before its late?
and this word "what your mind perceives becomes your reality" just stuck in the head/

[Төгөлдөрмаа]

im thinking to go to church and confess for all my sins lately, cus i feel like i can barely breathe these days. its like constant pressure building upon whatever inside there is and it's destroying my soul, and seems like there is no end to it. worst and least i expect comes and finds me. should i just keep pushing? or i need to find imaginary friend before its late?
and this word "what your mind perceives becomes your reality" just stuck in the head/

No words, nothing could describe the relief and the feeling of being cleansed that comes from praying for forgiveness for all your wrongs, mistakes and shortcomings in life. NOTHING can describe it.

You don't have to pray to Jesus or Moses or Mohammad, you can pray to what you believe in, you can ask for forgiveness from yourself, from your mom, from the universe, from life, from God, from the Creator, from the Force, whatever it is, as long as it sincere, it works and its really worth it. You should try it.


For anyone who walks around, day to day, feeling guilty for anything, for not being good enough or whatever, pray and ask for forgiveness and strength. Sometimes that feeling is so deep, I cry during my prayers

[baer]

[Төгөлдөрмаа]

I'm scared and I want to run away. I probably will.

I refrained myself from stalking you. I retained my dignity and spared myself from jealousy over whatever I would see that would make me jealous.

[baer]

how are you doing my love

[ew_engiin]

I'm scared and I want to run away. I probably will.

I refrained myself from stalking you. I retained my dignity and spared myself from jealousy over whatever I would see that would make me jealous.

b**** you gotta see me in person!

[baer]

ew_engin u gotta see me in bed!

[ew_engiin]

Ha!

[baer]

thats good u know ur league!

[ew_engiin]

Sorry tuguldurmaa baaxan chat xichlee

[baer]

then i believe u need some vitamin supply

[ew_engiin]

Laliin shashintai oxin bolj bgamuu?

[baer]

1 турк бүсгүй бий, суулт алхалт сул тал үгүй, гаднааса гялалзана дотросо гэрэлтэнэ, бусдыг татна дурлуулна, гүн бодолд автуулам үгтэй гүехэн усанд живүүлмээр аюултай, заримда бүхнийг хайрламаар, шалтгаангүй мишээмээр, шаналал зовлон үгүй мэт, заримда хэрэглэх үгээ хүртэл сонгож чадахгүй юм бүхнии дунд гацаад... миний бүсгүи тухлаг амьдралд туйлаглдэ гээд бүхнээ тавиад туучих шиг... саяхан франц нисцэн, би спрингбрийкэр л арааснь очно. хийх зүйлэ олж ядаж вайна,, шийдвэр гаргаж чадахгүй... нэг юм хэлээч ахан дүүсээ.

[Төгөлдөрмаа]

I'm scared and I want to run away. I probably will.

I refrained myself from stalking you. I retained my dignity and spared myself from jealousy over whatever I would see that would make me jealous.

b**** you gotta see me in person!

Where you?

[Төгөлдөрмаа]

how are you doing my love

Couldnt' be better love! Life is all coming together, preparing me for what I been asking

[baer]

good to hear that you are doing well love!

[Төгөлдөрмаа]

.,..